NLP & 6 Relationships Freedoms: (3) Freedom to have your Privacy

This is the 3rd of the Six Relationship Freedoms – and many people find this a particularly difficult one to offer to one’s partner.

There’s a game that some couples play which goes along these lines:

‘What are you thinking about?’
‘Nothing’
‘You must be thinking of something!’
‘No, honestly, I wasn’t…’
‘I don’t believe you – what are you trying to hide from me!’
‘Nothing’
‘Yes you are – you’re thinking of that man/woman I saw you looking at (in the café, at work, at the party etc etc) – otherwise you’d tell me!’

It’s the ‘If you truly loved me you’d tell me your thoughts’ game. And it’s often based on ‘my’ insecurity: I must know everything you do, who you know, where you go, who you’ve spoken to, and even your very thoughts – otherwise I can’t control you and you might, therefore, find someone else to love and leave me.’

So to pre-empt this I try to control you. And my control regime begins with the apparently humorous and innocuous ‘what are you thinking about’ game. This later evolves into demands to know why you’re home from work a little later than usual, why you’ve mentioned the name of a work colleague more than twice in the last few days, why you seem too friendly with a mutual friend of ours, why you have started to dress more smartly or take more of an interest in your appearance, etc etc.

In the advanced stages of the game I secretly check your mobile phone to find out who you’ve been receiving texts or calls from, ask friends if where you say you’ve been checks out, check your e-mail account, etc etc

The sad thing about this game is that it’s based on loving someone but not trusting that we are worthwhile enough for them to want to stay with us.  So it’s based on our personal insecurity.

And the tragic thing about it is that it often brings about the very thing that is designed to avoid! Our jealousy, our insecurity, our nosiness, or our prying attitude drives the other person away and into the arms of someone who respects them and who gives them the freedom to have their own privacy.

With the 3rd Freedom, the Freedom to have your Privacy,  two people respect each other’s right to have their privacy – so neither has to tell the other their thoughts, or account for their time – or their emotions.

And the Freedom to have your Privacy doesn’t always revolve around insecurity: it can also appear in more subtle ways as in the controlling/manipulating drip-drip of questions:

What are you doing?’
‘Why are you doing that?’
‘Where are you going?’
‘You don’t usually go there…??’