Comments on: Sympathy vs. Respect?

By: Katie Fisher

Katie Fisher — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:47:09 +0000

I can’t stand people feeling sorry for me – feels incredibly patronising, but sometimes I like the re-assuring love of friends. I think love & re-assurance without sympathy is the key for me.

By: Marian

Marian — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:27:21 +0000

The tale of the man who fell into a deep hole comes to mind. A passer-by was so full of sympathy that he climbed into the hole with the man but then neither of them could get out. Someone else came by and had real empathy for his situation, keeping their feet firmly on the ground they stooped down and offered a supporting hand whilst the guy managed to get a grip on the sides of the hole and heave himself up and out.

During times of grief or loss there can still be a tendency for some to ‘keep their chin up’ for the sake of those around them. Time out of earshot – to rage, rant, sob and plumb the depths of their misery without alarming others or feeling the need to control their anguish can be really important; not just ‘space’ in the sense of not intruding and asking about their feelings.

By: sarah ross

sarah ross — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:18:31 +0000

Definitely a balancing game in being supportive but not smothering or aloof. I was off work for several months last year and found the support from my friends and work colleagues to be an important part of recovering, but there were moments when you just need to feel normal.

How do you balance – “Take your time and get better” with “don’t hurry back”? Now the learning is reversed, as I try to be the suuport that Mum needs, hopefully I’ll get close to balance!

By: Caron

Caron — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 09:55:50 +0000

This is great Reg – fantastically thought provoking, and something that I know I struggle to implement well. I recently had a dear friend who was going through a really tough time. She was able to articulate clearly that she didn’t want sympathy, or people telling her how she ‘must be feeling’. I had a strong desire to respect and support her wishes – and also a strong desire to let her know that she was loved, supported and cared for. Giving her space felt like abandoning her at a difficult time, while asking her she was doing all the time felt intrusive and probing. So how do we actually implement these strategies, when getting it wrong left me feeling upset and guilty, which was all too clear for people to see. Is having positive intent enough at a time like this, or should we have some other strategies up our sleeves?