For some time I have been using NLP to model, or identify the key elements in, highly successful ‘life relationships’ – whether these be marriages, co-habitations, or wonderful friendships.
This quest has been driven by the belief that, if NLP truly provides us with the means to study excellence in human behaviour, then it might more usefully be used to have great relationships and to manage one’s own emotions rather than to do some of the things for which it has become famous for such as
- seducing people (usually men-seducing-women, it seems)
- persuading people to do things that you want them to do (irrespective of what is appropriate for them)
- having power over others – which is a rather sad goal
- getting people to think you were wonderful – which, if you need to do that, suggests that you maybe you are not…
- and so on
Anyway, I decided to float a few of my results at a session I presented on the November 2008 NLP Annual Conference in London. And, because since this wasn’t a fully developed model, I included my Six Freedoms model as a way of bouncing ideas around and getting feedback.
The Six Freedoms are the freedoms which people in highly effective and successful and enduring relationships offer one another (usually implicitly rather than overtly).
Here is the first Freedom (more to follow)
(1) The Freedom to differ:
You can be different from me – and have different moods, tastes, inclinations, etc. The fact we have a relationship doesn’t deny you this freedom. So you don’t have to fulfil my every need or match my every mood.
E.g. I want to stay in – you don’t have to. I want to go to a show – you don’t have to. I want to talk – it’s okay for you to want to be quiet or alone. I’m in the mood for X – it’s OK for you to be in the mood for Y.
In other words, although we are in a relationship, we are not required to be identical.
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