NLP for people who like to think for themselves!
Freedom to have a life of your own
In this, the 5th of the 6 Relationship Freedoms, we agree that we each have the freedom to have an independent life ‘outside the nest’.
We can each have our own separate friends and enjoy our separate activities and interests – as well as valuing and enjoying our relationship with one another.
In a nutshell
It goes along the lines: ‘You have the freedom to a life and interests of your own. You can enjoy friendships, places and activities which do not interest me. And I do not see this as a threat to our relationship.’
It’s great that we love each other and get along so well. But this is a relationship rather than a prison.’
Overlap in Freedoms
Freedom No. 5 is very similar to No. 2. Freedom 2 is about having differing opinions but this one is more about what you do rather than what you think. It’s the freedom to have a life of your own outside the nest. (There is an overlap between all of the freedoms and they could be chunked up into just one: we respect one another’s rights and integrity as adult individuals.)
Policing the ‘trap’
Witholding this freedom turns a relationship into a trap. The more common reasons for withholding or undermining this freedom include (1) the fear of losing their partner or (2) losing their ability to dominate their partner’s life. And these needs are managed energetically and continuously:
- We’re alike, we love one another – so we should always do things together
- But we’re a couple – we shouldn’t have separate summer holidays
- Why do you need to go out with your friends – what’s wrong with me
- You should not have close friendships – especially with people of the opposite sex (or of the same sex I the case of gay relationships)
- You’re always going out to that group: it’s having a bad influence on you
- You haven’t been the same since you took up with those yoga (keep fit, woodwork, self development, astrology, etc) people
- You go off and have a good time with your friends – don’t worry about me – I’ll be all right… (…sigh…)
More subtle methods
More subtle tactics can include starting projects that’ll keep us doing things together. One of the most common of the ‘keep us together’ projects is moving house: it’s pretty well guaranteed to keep us occupied and united for a year or so – or even more is we start redecorating, re-designing the garden or, even better, adding rooms or an extension.
Even more powerful methods
If the above messages don’t work then a more powerful, if long term, tactic is often used: undermining the other person’s confidence by criticising their appearance, social skills, etc so that they won’t want to do things on their own… ‘You’re not as confident as you used to be – you know how you need me with you when you go out…’
I was an NLP Psychotherapist and Counsellor for over 20 years from the mid 80′s and came across this ‘But I’d be lost without her/him’ dilema many, many times. They wanted to leave the unsatisfactory relationship but years of undermining tactics had undermined their self esteem.
Freedom in relationships is healthy
What’s sad about the fear behind withholding this Freedom is that, like jealously, it tends to bring about the very thing it is designed to avoid.
The I Ching, the ancient Chinese Book of Change, has a piece of advice: ‘if your horse strays do not follow it: if it is truly your horse it will return of it’s own accord.’ (The I Chink is written in metaphors so ‘horse’ is, of course, not to be taken literally…)
See also:
Freedom No 1: The Freedom to Differ
Freedom No 2: The Freedom to be an Individual
Freedom No 3: The Freedom to have your privacy
Freedom No. 4: The Freedom to be Imperfect
When the freedom to also be an individual is restricted, and I experience everything with someone – what is there left to talk about? When our lives become one – we have memories of the same places and people – not necessarily the same memories but the anchors are of “we” and “US” and not “i”. Hence when the relationship breaks down, the fear of never being the same is because I only recall positive states as being part of a couple and not as an individual.
Where I allow the other person the freedom to have their own life, and enjoy that freedom myself, there is always something to talk about/experiences to share e.g. what have you been doing? The time we spend as a couple is richer for our individual journeys as well as our shared experiences, and there is always plenty to talk about.
At the end of the day I want a life partner to be my best friend and not my clone! Therefore both of us need to live our own lives as well as sharing a journey together.
I couldn’t agree more Sarah – I’ve certainly come across couples who seem so “joined at the hip” that they are almost interchangeable, and I’ve wondered (quietly) whether – after many years – they actually have anything to talk about at all.
However, to err (slightly) on the opposite side, part of the journey-sharing is learning and experiencing new things, and that may well mean joining in your partner’s activities even if they are not naturally yours. As long as this is broad enough to allow “dipping in” to things on occasion, it can both served as a support when you’re there, and as allowing freedom when you’re not. It can also help to stop you (as an individual or a couple) getting into a rut of inflexibility and a limited range of activities.
Common sense really, but it is a balance between the enjoyment and challenge of being in someone else’s model of the world, and having the time to be in your own too. My wife has (at what I consider to be a late stage in my life) introduced me to heavy and thrash metal – not my natural choice, but I’ve certainly learnt new things by joining in (occasionally!).