NLP & Rapport (3): Rapport by skill – or by trial and error?

In relating with other people many of us unintentionally sabotage the rapport we are trying to create! We are so desperately anxious to get along well with someone and to create a good impression that we simply try too hard. As result we come across as nervous, tense, jumpy, pushy, preoccupied, or bossy – or a confusing mix of all of these.

We are trying to impress rather than to communicate. And because we are not at ease with ourselves we cause others to feel ill-at-ease.

Early attempts at rapport

Some of us may be able to recall early uncomfortable experiments in creating rapport: the state of acute tongue-tying nervousness that accompanied our teenage efforts to make friends or have a satisfactory ‘first date’.

It certainly seemed to me to be very unfair that everyone else that I knew seemed to be able to easily get along with everyone while I was so furiously rehearsing what to say next that I never really heard what the other person was saying to me…

Mind you, I later discovered in my years of working as a counsellor and workshop facilitator that it was likely that many of these classmates were simply very good at putting on a good show of being confident and at ease with others. Like the majority of young people they were also struggling to discover by trial and error the best ways of relating with other people.

The rapport lottery!

My take on rapport skills, now, is that

1. Some lucky ones happen to learn or ‘pick up’ the ability of being able to effortlessly create excellent rapport with just about anyone.
2. Some people develop the ‘control freak’ approach where they dominate the conversation and the relationship – often to the extreme of continuously talking at the other person so that no awkward silences occur.
3. Some, or many, just muddle along picking up or refining a tip here, a method there – getting a little better at creating rapport… as each decade of their lives passes.
4. Some, or a tiny few, recognise that relationship-creating is something that can be learned and go ahead and do just that – they set out to consistently improve their skill.

Rapport at school

It never fails to amaze me that, as young people, we spend so much of our time at school acquiring all sorts of knowledge about history, mathematics, geography, sociology, etc – but little or nothing of real value on the two key skills areas (1) how to manage our own moods and (2) how to get along well with others.

(The lack of adequate attention to these two skills raises interesting questions about schooling and it’s effects/benefits. I’m resisting the temptation to go off on a tangent with these – other than to wonder how much better and more harmonious and successful could be a society if the people in it had learned at a very young age how to manage and take responsibility for their own moods. And had learned how to comfortably get along well with each other? Huge topic. Temptation almost fully resisted!)

Can we learn to create rapport?

Yes, it is a learnable skill. It’s a skill which we should have learned at school from people who were masters of the skill or, as in my own case, learned later on in a live and interactive workshop.

That said everyone can improve their rapport skills.

How? First read… and then practise!

Read about rapport in NLP books or in this series. Then practise what you have read.  The latter point about practising is important: as with every NLP topic knowledge about rapport doesn’t equate with skill with rapport!

There are some simple and powerful methods for enhancing your rapport ability coming up in this series. Aim to practise each tip for at least a few days, so it becomes part of your routine, rather than waiting till you’ve read the entire series. As Ralph Waldo Emerson observed ‘an ounce of action is worth a ton of theory’.

NLP skills needs to be ‘in the muscle’. As we have found in our workshops too much information puts everyone into intellectual learning mode.  A judicious blend of information sessions + action sessions + discussion about what you have done produces real skill.

Aim to use this approach while following the tips in the rapport series:

1. Read
2. Then do
3. Then discuss your experience with your friends.

Action points: Rapport Tips

Read or, if you’ve already read it, re-read the previous article to this one – it’s down there just below this article… NLP & Rapport (2).

Then practise listening a little bit more and talking a little bit less. Note: a little bit of each – in line with the Pegasus NLP 10% New approach to developing skills.

This will be even more effective if you actually give your full attention to, and take a real interest in, what the other person is saying.

Now, instead of doing this, many people use the time while the other person is speaking to rehearse their own answer! Here’s how it goes:

• You and I are chatting. You’re telling me what a great weekend you’ve had.
• But I’m only just listening because I’m afraid I won’t be able to think of something to say when you stop talking!
• So while you’re telling me about where you went I begin thinking of an apt or amusing response to this.
• Now while I’m doing this you’ve moved on to describing who was there and what you all did.
• Meanwhile, inside my head and pretty unaware of what you are now saying,  I’ve nearly got my response ready…
• …but it’s my response to where you went – because I wasn’t listening to the rest! I didn’t actually hear who you were with or what you did…

Doesn’t make for instant and intense rapport, does it?

And, as a result, many people will ‘pick up’ that you’re not really listening to them and conclude that you’re not really interested in them either (despite your intense desire to convey quite the opposite).

How will they pick this up? From your slightly preoccupied non-verbal behaviour and your lack of real interest in their views or story. They won’t know exactly how they do this – but they’ll register it as a feeling of not really wanting to engage with you.