NLP for people who like to think for themselves!
The NLP rapport creating techniques do not actually create rapport. But they do get things off to a good start.
Rapport is ‘created’ by, or develops out of, how you and the other person are relating with one another moment-by-moment; and especially by the non-verbal indicators of yours and the other person’s agendas. If these agendas are based on a win-win approach (see the previous article in this series) and are supported by mutual respect (in a forthcoming article) then the techniques will definitely smooth the way and speed things up.
If you merely rely on the techniques things may get off to a good start but are unlikely to produce enduring rapport.
Rapport and pacing or matching
In the first article in this series I mentioned that rapport was about emphasising the similarities between us and playing down the differences. In NLP we call this process pacing or matching (there is a slight difference between the two terms but for practical purposes they mean much the same thing.)
So if I want to get into rapport with you, using physical techniques, I could match your behaviour in one or more ways. I could, for example, match your gestures or posture, or your eye contact pattern, or how you use your voice (though definitely not your accent).
NLP, rapport and body language
One of the things which the NLP originators modelled was ‘rapport’ and what occurs when people are in rapport. And they made the quite obvious observation that when people are getting along well together, i.e. when they are in rapport, they tend to match each other’s body posture, movements, and even voice tonalities.
Anyone who has done a bit of people-watching in cafes, restaurants or airports will have seen this in action. One person leans forward and then other person does the same – sometimes they do it almost simultaneously, sometimes there is a delay of 10-20 seconds. Or one folds arms or crosses legs – and the other person does it too. Or they nod or frown or smile at almost the same time. It’s a bit like watching a dance.
‘Reverse engineering’ rapport
The early NLPers wanted to provide step-by-step techniques for creating rapport. So they took the end product of rapport (that people who are in rapport with one another tend to match body language) and ‘reverse-engineered’ this to come up with the ‘NLP body-matching technique’ for subliminally creating rapport. This was and is not so useful.
Yes, people who are in rapport match each others body language. But they do this because they are in rapport. The “dance” or body language matching is occurring as a result of their being in rapport. It also occurs naturally and, because it is occurring naturally, it does not intrude into either person’s awareness and does, in a way, subliminally contribute to the on-going rapport..
From rapport to farce
But to take this result of rapport and use it to deliberately create rapport is, at best, unreliable. At worst it can backfire and have the opposite effect to what you want.
And it can become farcical… the person with whom you wish to create rapport with shifts in their seat and, as an enthusiastic NLP newbie, you do so too. They nod – so do you. They smile, scratch their head, lean forwards, lean backwards, etc and you do the same!
One problem with this is that nowadays, more than 35 after NLP began, people are a lot more savvy to such clumsy techniques. Many will have come across them on the internet, or on training courses, and in the many books which feature them.
So in using it you run the risk of that the other person will recognise your what you are doing and, rather than perceive this as a well-intentioned attempt to get along better with them, will misinterpret your behaviour as a clumsy and insulting attempt to manipulate them. Yet, surprisingly, this methods is still being taught in many NLP courses.
But I’ve seen it work!
If you’ve carefully read what’s in the books, or if an NLP trainer has carefully taught this to you, and you’ve very carefully practised the approach then you will only do a bare minimum of body language matching and you will allow a 10-30 second delay between their movement and your matching movement.
These recommendations are designed to ensure that your technique doesn’t intrude into the other person’s conscious awareness and, yes, this somewhat mechanical behaviour can contribute to rapport with some unsuspecting people, especially if you hone your skills over many weeks or months.
But… it’s very risky. And why bother? When there are so many straightforward and risk-free and respectful methods?
In the next article we will look at the myth of ‘Good Eye Contact’ and at a couple of more subtle and useful methods for developing rapport.
