Pegasus NLP Blog

Making it ‘your own’ Values Hierarchy

Values are very personal. No-one can or should advise us about which values are right for us. Of course lots of people are only too happy to do so, whether as well-meaning friends or well-intentioned (if unskilled) coaches or therapists.

It is, after all, much easier to advise someone else on how they can or should live a fulfilling life than to do so for oneself.

Fortunately anyone can use the NLP-based process described in this series of articles to check and double-check their values hierarchy before investing time and energy in pursuing it.  (Incidentally, if you’ve just discovered this blog you might want to note that this is No. 6 in a series – scroll down to get articles 1-5 in the NLP & Goals series. And it might be a good idea to read them in this order.)

Avoiding internal conflict

A lot of life disturbing inner stress and confusion can be caused by having conflicting values in your Top Values list! So it is wise use the ideas in this article to examine your Top 7 and to ensure that the fulfilment of these highly-rated values will produce a quality of life that you want. (Although this is much easier to follow and to do in an interactive workshop such as our NLP Practitioner Certification Programme, you can achieve good results on your own: if you carefully follow and implement this series you will certainly be more of a driver than a passive passenger in your own ‘bus’).

Jack’s Values’ Hierarchy

Let’s illustrate the process by going back to Jack’s Hierarchy. And, to save you having to scroll down, here it is

1. Experiencing fun
2. Avoiding pressure & stress
3. Being successful at work
4. Experiencing excitement
5. Feeling healthy and fit
6. Having a nice house and car
7. Having a mutually rewarding personal relationship

Now, if we look at the implications of his Top 7 we can see that Jack might do well to consider at least  couple of points:

• Like lots of people, he wants to have lots of fun – it’s a great aspiration. Same with the next three values. But if health and fitness rates lower priority than these then it’s likely it will be sacrificed to them.

The attitude is: fun, success, excitement, etc. are for right now – health is for later. That’s why lots of people spend their teens, twenties and even thirties chasing the fun, fun, fun dream – and deciding they’ll get healthy later. “Once I’ve got things sorted and have the time I’ll just start going to a good gym and hire a top class personal trainer. Easy!” But sometimes the decades of delaying getting healthy can make it a little difficult to achieve – when we finally do get round to prioritising it.

• The last item on his list is having a mutually rewarding relationship… Again we’ve all come across (other?) people who prioritise success and fun and ‘things’ only to find they’re not much fun when you’re on your own – when your partner has found someone else who wants to spend more time with him or her.

These are two out of a number of potentially unpleasant directions that could result from Jack’s current hierarchy.

Potential conflicts in your hierarchy?

Take a look at your own hierarchy and do a realistic assessment of the quality of life which it will produce. Pay special attention to how you have prioritised things. Some priority conflicts to consider might include what happens if you prioritise

• Success over health?
• Fun and variety over stable home life?
• Work over play and fun?
• Making others happy over making yourself happy?
• Having a great future over having a great now

Have your cake and eat it

By the way, this either-or choice, in dealing with and resolving values’ conflicts, is a necessary over simplification. We explore this topic on our NLP Practitioner and Master Practitioner programmes and it can engage the group for a couple of hours; which would require a book rather than a few blog articles.

Nevertheless, just using the above process to recognise the conflict of values takes you a long way – and means you are in a position to actively and creatively think about things and make adjustments in how you live your life.

For example:

• Success over health? (Do you have to be that successful and do it that quickly i.e. that your health suffers as a result? Or can you find a happy medium – and a different and more self-friendly time frame?
• Fun and variety over stable home life? (Maybe you and your partner could explore lots of ways of doing this together – rather than you being absent from home and trying to find it on your own?)
• Work over play and fun? (Perhaps you can invent ways of making your work more playful or enjoyable? Or find a job that will fulfil you in this way? Or work less hours so you have more time for fun and play…?
• Making others happy over making yourself happy? (This is a very very common one, by the way, and it usually has the opposite effect! Because the person who sacrifices their life in order to make others happy usually has subtle, often non-verbal, ways of letting everyone know just how much they are sacrificing… and just how grateful/guilty the others ought to be!)

Action Points

Take a long look at each of the values in your hierarchy. Imagine the kind of lifestyle that, over the next year or so, fulfilment of each of these values will require or involve or produce. Take a few days to do this  so that you have time to, once again, use your imagination and fantasise various scenarios.

Do this for each of your values.

Then, if it hasn’t already occurred to you, think about how attempting to fulfil all of these would work for you. Do they coexist, hang together? Or are there are conflicts?

Chances are there will be some conflict. In which case consider eliminating the “either/or” and replacing it with the “and and” approach. The “yes I can have my cake and eat it – as long as I think creatively and flexibly” approach.  (And, how about that for a short, catchy title for this approach?)

The full Goals and Values series

NLP and Goals (1) – http://pegasusnlpblog.com/goals-nlp-the-ouch-factor

NLP and Goals (2) – http://pegasusnlpblog.com/nlp-goals-values-fools-gold

NLP and Goals (3) – http://pegasusnlpblog.com/nlp-goals-day-dreaming

NLP and Goals (4) – http://pegasusnlpblog.com/nlp-rapport-gimme-win-win

NLP and Goals (5) – http://pegasusnlpblog.com/nlp-goals-values-hierarchy

NLP and Goals (6) – http://pegasusnlpblog.com/nlp-goals-avoid-inner-conflict

NLP and Goals (7) – http://pegasusnlpblog.com/nlp-goals-prepare-to-act

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