Thanks

Yes, I do think there is room for a support-group/network the long-suffering partners of NLPers! A few of us were (almost seriously) discussing this a while back.

It’d give them a place to share their experiences of being on the receiving end of a strange language, of never being able to win an argument, of being the first one to be experimented upon when the NLPer arrives back from their latest course, of never being ‘in the right’, of having their every mood analysed and explained to them, of never being allowed to really enjoy a good gripe or ‘misery session’…. and so on and on and on.

(Of course, this wouldn’t apply to the partners of Pegasus NLP people since the latter’s behaviour is, of course, both impeccable and exemplary… or is it? )

I agree with you about the similarities between NLP (or, at least, how we explore it in Pegasus NLP courses) and Buddhist thinking – and Taoist thinking, too.

And then there’s the thing about denying to yourself that you were irritated with your boss – so the children get it! One of the things you’ll remember from your NLP training about Anchoring is that anchors bypass our positive thinking and our good intentions/resolutions! So, as long as an anchor (a relationship between some stimulus and our response to it) exists, it will influence our moods. And that’s a given!

There’s no point in giving ourselves a hard time for falling foul of an anchor. Better to use the opportunity to identify and replace the anchored response – or, if appropriate, discuss the matter with the other party (your boss, in this case).

You might like to check out these articles:
http://www.nlp-now.co.uk/nlp_anchor_hunt.htm
http://www.nlp-now.co.uk/calibrated_loops.htm.

A key (in the metaphorical sense) lies in the realisation that we have choices, not just in what we do but in how we feel in any given situation. A “mood” is a state of both mind and body and NLP has an enormous range of methods and techniques for breaking the pattern, de-fusing and subsituting alternative responses. (see NLP course handbook).

Relationships have their own ecology, especially if they are stable or have lasted a long time. Some dialogues may also become highly scripted and repetitive/predictable..

Reg’s advice about responding differently is very sound and reflects a strong body of research that helps people by looking at exceptions. Instead of getting bogged down by detailed analysis of why the problem occurs, it is sometimes much more effective to look at what makes a difference when the problem does not arise. When people are described as “always”..in a mood, depressed, irritable, bad-tempered the first step is to notice when they are not. Then the trick is to explore how they did it and then do more of what works.

I would suggest that it is always better to influence behaviour by extending the range of choices people have and let them see that they can determine more for themselves. When my partner says that the weather is “miserable”, I know it is just raining……..but above the clouds the sun is shining just as it always has. But sometimes people really want “miserable” and they only have choice if they can see (and feel) the alternative.

Partners are a whole area in themselves; spare a thought for all the partners of anyone that has just been on a NLP course.

Mik

But… if we respond differently then, possibly and after a while, they may begin to respond differently to this.

Typically, if our partner complains about how awful life is, we’re tempted to disagree with them and try to get them to see the bright side. But this rarely works. In fact, it usually makes them more convinced than ever that their view is right.

So ‘anything’ other than this will likely be a step in a new direction. Then you keep varying how you respond to them until they start to change their complaining.

That’s one thought – let’s see what other thoughts people have…