Hot buttons at ‘Identity-Level’
Top of the Pegasus NLP anger poll, in which people can vote on their ‘favourite’ negative anchors has always been “being spoken to in a patronising manner”.
Current score for this is 517 which is way ahead of being tailgated while driving (193), automated telephone switchboards (192). And queue jumping, many people’s pet hate, gets a mere 122.
This illustrates the importance which we attach to being respected. Being spoken to in a patronising manner impacts us at the Identity level of the NLP Neuro-Logical Levels or Personality Map. The other buttons mentioned above simply transgress our standards – our beliefs about how things should be - and so come in at the next level below Identity which is Beliefs & Values.
Incidentally, for those who haven’t come across the Logical Levels, first developed by Robert Dilts, it’s a model with which we can identify what makes people tick. With it we can identify, for example, which level of their personality a person is talking about and therefore how best to respond to them.
From the top down the levels are:
Mission and Vision: the big picture for our life, where we’re going with it, who fits into it, etc- Identity: our self-image and how we interpret events around us in terms of this
- Beliefs & Values: includes beliefs about what is possible or impossible, what should or should not happen, and the values or feelings which we want to have more of and less of our lives
- Capabilities & Skills: how we think, the skills we learn and our innate abilities
- Behaviours: how we act
- Environment: how we interact with our surroundings and with other people.
By the way, this is a very brief thumbnail sketch of what is arguably one of the most important and valuable NLP models.
So next time your buttons get pressed - next time you feel wound up or put down - check which of the upper two levels, Identity or Beliefs & Values, is being impacted. It may not reduce the impact of the event but it will give you insight into the intensity of your mood change; Anything which implies that we aren’t being respected as equals will always evoke a very strong reaction.
February 7th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Hi Reg, A great reminder of the Logical Levels thanks. At times when I feel disrespected or at the mercy of others, it also helps me to remember the NLP Principle that “Behind every behaviour lies a positive intention”. Coupled with an adherance to one of Don Miguel Ruiz’ four agreements “Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the vicitm of needless suffering.”
April 7th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Hi,
I’ve been accused of being patronising from time to time and have been quite confounded by it.
Nevertheless, communication is the response you get, so it is up to me to work out where I went wrong. My current conclusion is that I need to improve my pacing skills. Pacing seems easy at first sight, but I’m realising that to do it gracefully requires a lot of sensitivity and practise. And if ‘patronising’ is such a hot button, then that’s all the more reason to do pacing well.
Thanks for the post - like everything else here it is very helpful.
Graham.
April 10th, 2008 at 8:05 am
The experience of being patronised often results from how the other person reacts to our mannerisms such as quality of eye contact, voice tonality (especially important), and our ability to match their communicating style.
These are mannerisms of which we are probably quite unaware.
So, rather than do the normal thing of getting defensive, proclaiming our innocence or justifying ourselves, we could get curious about it - and gently engage the other person to discover what it is about how we are communicating that they find patronising.
April 10th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Thanks Reg,
Getting curious about things is, I think, a state of mind that helps deal with all kinds of difficult situations. My motto for a long time has been ‘There’s always a way’ and I’m thinking that I should add underneath ‘Get curious’.
Graham.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:12 am
Curiosity is central to the NLP ‘modelling’ approach i.e. to walking the Talk of NLP, I’d say. And having ‘how is it possible?’ as a first reaction to things is a great way of developing this attitude.