practical nlp applications & ideas
It often happens in relationships, especially after the heady days of early infatuation have passed, that one of the duo takes on the role of bossy parent or bossy teacher. Now instead of two people relating to each other as equal adults one is attempting to iron out the other’s imperfections! Imperfections, that is, as the bossy person perceives them.
The light-hearted banter, fun and sense of exploring and discovering things together as a team become replaced by relentless, tiring, and love-sapping struggle: a struggle by one side to retain their right to do things their way and by the other side to mould their partner into how they ‘should be’.
Once one of the parties begins denying this freedom they now decide what is right and appropriate for the other person in all sorts of areas and, importantly, seek to impose their version of ‘right’ on the other person. Now, if you’re on the receiving end of this bullying, you are endlessly criticised or corrected because of how:
- You drive a car
- You remember or do not remember things
- You don’t like or get along with my friends
- You do (or do not) play sport, keep fit, manage your weight
- You go about things in a methodical (or un-methodical) manner
- You don’t share my enthusiasm for things (such as NLP?)
- You have the ‘wrong’ dress sense,
- You have the ‘wrong’ diet or other eating pattern,
- You have the ‘wrong’ accent or the wrong ways of expressing yourself,
- You are not as good as me at some things (even though you may be better at others!),
- You have opinions I disagree with
Ideally, loving one another is a joyful process of celebrating the similarities between us and the differences. Ideally it’s also a process of deciding which aspects of our partner’s lifestyle we wish to share and which we decide we do not wish to share. Ideally it’s also a process of deciding which things are worth overlooking even though we may not agree with them, approve of them or like them.
I am brave enough to admit that my favourite soap (and only ‘must see/hear’ serial) is BBC Radio 4′s The Archers. Anyway, some 18 years ago Jill Archer, the matriarch of the family, was advising one of her troubled offspring on relationships and suggested:
“Loving isn’t always because of… sometimes it’s in spite of!”
I found this to be so profound that I made a note of it on my computer. (Which is why I know it was said in the Fri 5 Jan 1992 episode of The Archers)!
Perhaps the real question is do we love somebody enough to respect their right to do things their way and to make their own mistakes and, heaven forbid, to not be as perfect as we are…..?
See also:
Freedom No 1: The Freedom to Differ
Freedom No 2: The Freedom to be an Individual
Freedom No 3: The Freedom to have your privacy
Agreed! However, in every relationship there has to be some give and take. Ironing these out are difficult if the other person is dead set in their ways and sees change as a loss of freedom or a challenge to their identity.
Too many people start relationships without finding out whether the other person shares the same views, future lifestyle wishes, or moral vlaues.
This is why whenever I meet someone new I ask a series of questions before it gets serious. For instance, a healthy mind and body is a very important part of my life. I want to know if a potentential future partner shares the views. Will we both be fit and active at 70?
By asking these questions you are finding out early on what each other expects and also whether any issues are resolvable.
Hi Steve: Yes, the flexible ‘give and take’ is essential to a healthy relationship. This way we accept that we both can change in our own ways and we both adapt to each other’s changing.
I’d be a bit concerned about “the other person … sees change as a loss of freedom” as this could suggest they are resisting a change which you are imposing upon them.
Good idea to get to know one another’s values about things such as health and ageing – just so long as you recognise that values do change. And a person’s values at, say, 30 can change dramatically 10 or 30 years later.
At 35 I may highly value fitness and health. At 65 I may (heaven forbid!) prefer day-long TV watching. My partner may not be happy about this but it is ‘my’ choice – and their choice whether or not to stay with me.
Many thanks to Charles who emailed with the origin of Jill Archer’s quote (I hadn’t realised Jill was so well-read):
“The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” (Victor Hugo, 1802-1885)