Author Archive

There’s listening… and there’s really listening.

Normally when we’re listening to somebody we tend to pay attention to what they are actually saying. We listen to the words, the sentences, the descriptions, the story line, etc. As a result we may have feelings about them and what they are saying. Yet we are really just hearing and responding to a quite superficial level of their full message.

On the other hand some people, and especially those who have had a thorough training in NLP, will ‘hear’ more. They are also listening for what’s underneath the words, in other words what is going on inside the person doing the talking? How are they really feeling? And this level of information is picked up by paying attention to the implications of their words and phrases and tonalities.

Read the rest of this entry »

‘I’m a good manager!’

No doubt Jack believes he is doing a good job in how he handled Mohan. In his view that’s the way to efficiently breeze through an appraisal: tick all the right boxes to keep HR happy and make sure your people know who’s in charge.  (By the way, if you have not yet read the article about Jack’s appraisal it would be a good idea to do this before continuing).

That’s how we do things around here

It is more than likely that Jack has been taught this approach, or picked up the style from his own managers, or was hired for his ability to manage in this way.

It’s also quite likely that senior management has no awareness, and possibly little real interest, in how their ‘front line’ troops are being managed and led – and that, rather than ‘managing by walking about’ (MBWA) they manage by data, using reports and spreadsheets to know what is happening.

And we can make a pretty reasonable guess as to the reliability of the data on which they rely from the manner in which Jack ensured Mohan’s appraisal ticked the right boxes and in the right way. Read the rest of this entry »

Curiosity: being other-conscious rather than self-conscious

When we are curious we are not self-absorbed. Our attention, instead of being on ourselves and how we feel and what people think of us, is on the world outside us – on other people and on what is happening around us.

In the state of curiosity we take a break from that little dark room in our minds with all the chatter and analysis and doubts and hopes and irritabilities and guilts and resentments.

In the state of curiosity we take a holiday from self-absorbed thinking! We replace self-consciousness with other-consciousness. Read the rest of this entry »

How not to do an appraisal

Sitting in Caffe Nero a few days ago I had the uncomfortable experience of watching and hearing a loud and brash young manager (unintentionally, I think) humiliating a soft-spoken direct report.

As appraisals go it was a pretty thorough example of how not to do it.

Rapport – what rapport?

There was no quality of rapport. The manager was clicking his pen, constantly shifting his position in his chair, bouncing his knees under the table as if to an internal fast paced rhythm, he’d start off his very loud comments by looking briefly at his victim and then continue the comments in a quite mechanical manner while gazing out the window beside their table, as if reciting a rehearsed spiel.

He (we’ll call him Jack) demonstrated no attempt to understand the other person’s (let’s call him Mohan) viewpoint and in fact showed little interest in Mohan at all. Read the rest of this entry »

No… you’re wrong!

Sometimes the temptation is almost irresistible… to tell the other person just how wrong they are, that is.

I experienced it this morning and, this time at least, I did resist the temptation and decided to write this blog instead.

Pass on the word

It seemed like a good idea (it still is, actually). I’d received one of those ‘sponsor me’ messages from two people who are raising money for a village in India. The target is £600 and when I looked at their site they weren’t making much progress and had reached less than 10% of their target.

So I thought why not tell people who follow me on Twitter about the project? Which I did, pointing out that the cost of just two cappuccinos from each ‘follower’ would enable them to reach their target for the charity.

Within less than two minutes of posting the tweet I received a one-liner reply ‘Charity begins at home!!’ Read the rest of this entry »

Curiosity…

He was walking along beside me, looking around him – and being uncharacteristically quiet. Then, as four or five-year olds do, he stopped and made a few attempts to say it but in the emotion of the moment the words sort of log-jammed a bit before he could get them out: ‘Why… emm why… why are the clouds so high?’

It was one of those ‘get out of that one questions’! Do you give a sensible and logical and scientific answer, which would damp the moment of curiosity and wonder, or do you keep the mood going by throwing the question back to him?

I did the latter, with a ‘what do you think?’ question, and we had a wonderfully existential chat. Read the rest of this entry »

I recently had the interesting experience of, in one week, having an extended chat with two people. One of them was much more interested in telling me about their world and their views than in hearing what I thought. The other was more interested in what I was talking about and what I was interested in… Read the rest of this entry »

“I’m feeling overwhelmed”

No less than three people (friends, relatives, colleagues) – in one day (today, that is) have said to me that they felt ‘stressed’ and they each described their experience in different ways (1) overwhelmed by everything (2) buckling under the pressure and (3) really stressed out.

Wanting to help

Most of us, in such a situation, feel a natural urge to alleviate their pain and help them out.

So we run into the nearest (remaining) telephone both and change into our Superman/Superwoman outfit and move Into Advice Giving Mode. Now as Super-Helper we begin telling them how to run their lives! Read the rest of this entry »

The NLP rapport creating techniques do not actually create rapport. But they do get things off to a good start.

Rapport is ‘created’ by, or develops out of, how you and the other person are relating with one another moment-by-moment; and especially by the non-verbal indicators of yours and the other person’s agendas. If these agendas are based on a win-win approach (see the previous article in this series) and are supported by mutual respect (in a forthcoming article) then the techniques will definitely smooth the way and speed things up.

If you merely rely on the techniques things may get off to a good start but are unlikely to produce enduring rapport. Read the rest of this entry »

Stay on track

Toward the end of every Pegasus NLP course the question arises of how to keep the momentum – the buzz of enthusiasm – going afterwards, when you’re back in the world of everyday home life and work life.

It’s easy to stay focussed and enthusiastic while at the course. You’re in a wonderful cosy ‘NLP bubble’ learning, mixing and chatting, or even living with (an option on our courses for those who want a full-immersion experience of NLP) like-minded and enthusiastic people – a great way of learning and wiring-in the material. Read the rest of this entry »